University in a Nutshell

As my first quarter of university comes to a close, I thought it’d be an interesting experiment to chronicle what I have learned, in a nutshell, about university. Perhaps a person will be targeted, or a group of people. It might be a course. Hell, it might even be about ‘social justice.’

1. The Pseudo-Hippies
I go to what is generally considered a school with a high density of hippies. Granted, most universities are stereotyped this way lately, but mine is specifically notorious for this. Unfortunately, I’ve run into less real hippies than I have into these pseudo-hippies which I consider to be nothing but premature ‘yuppies.’ You know the type. As an example, I’ll tell you about the three who are constantly playing pool at the same time as me. They all have the same hair—shoulder length and light brown. Each has it pulled into a neat ponytail, with the exception of the one who wears it straight (creepy). Additionally, 40% of these types have a beard that connects their sideburns, creating that generally unshaven ‘hippie’ look. This creates the illusion that they are hippies, when in fact they spend nearly all of their time buying into the corporate machine. At least real hippies have a cause. They wear brand name clothes; play a game (pool) that was inevitably created by the man, and have sing-a-longs to popular songs from best-selling videogames (Valve’s Portal). Nothing about that could make them larger pawns in the man’s game of capitalist chess. Way to stand for nothing.

2. Smokers
A very large portion of college students are smokers. I don’t particularly mind the smell of smoke, but I am damn tired of hearing other uber-‘sensitive’ people complain about it. Furthermore, it seems that the smokers have no regard for the ’No smoking within 25 feet of doors, windows, or air intakes.’ This is evidenced when I’m sitting in a giant lecture hall and all of a sudden get a huge whiff of cigarette smoke. I think that there is a certain novelty factor that freshmen buy into—the fact that they can finally legally smoke on school grounds. And that’s great, until the habit matures into an addiction and four years later they are still smoking, resulting in about half the student body doing so, further annoying me and making existence miserable.

3. Starbucks Intellectuals
These people seem to be unlimited in number. They are the girls who sit in the front of philosophy class, kissing the professor’s ass, pretending to understand what some prick from 17th century France was actually saying. And the professors eat that shit up too, because it makes them feel like someone actually cares, and what they’re doing has a greater purpose other than to give people the knowledge to put others to sleep. The issue I take with these girls is that they tend to take control of the class, getting all of the answers, but doing so in such an ‘advanced’ manner as to make references to other works and lose the rest of the class. I picture them doing the same at the local Starbucks, sort of in a 17th century philosophy book club type of situation. This type of participation only hinders the learning of others—it doesn’t advance it. And I wish they’d stop, because we all know they aren’t actually that smart, they’re just politicking to get a good grade, which isn’t a bad thing per se, but you have to not be a bitch. That helps.

4. Social Awareness Events
It seems like there is a new one every week. A few weeks ago there was a seminar about freedoms, rights, and how to deal with the police. Here’s an idea—stop trafficking marijuana and you won’t have to worry about asserting yourself to the police. Be a good citizen and generally do the right thing—and if you get caught in the wrong, have accountability. If you choose to break the law, you should anticipate consequences. Don’t try and talk your way out of it. But I got over that one—and then there was this week’s event. It’s called ‘Social Justice,’ and it basically states that we are all entitled to food, clothing, and education or something optimistic like that. Unfortunately, basic logic dictates that we are NOT all entitled to those things, and such a utopia exists nowhere. Speaking of equality like that isn’t optimism, it is ignorance. People will always be on different planes of existence, like it or not. Making a very minor difference will only make you feel better.

5. Roadside Drunks
My job on the graveyard shift gives me the distinct pleasure of driving home after 2 AM, just after closing time. On a Saturday, this can get a bit dicey. As I drove home from work, I encountered a group of three guys walking in my direction on the sidewalk. I thought to myself, “I’m about 90% sure that one of these guys, trying to be funny, is going to pretend to fall into the road as I approach.” Sure enough, as I got closer, one of them pretended to drop something into the road, and made a move as if to fall. Instead of giving them the satisfaction of slamming on the brakes and swerving, I flipped on the ol’ turn signal as a preface to the following illegal activity, floored the throttle, cut over a lane, and did a brilliant power slide around the upcoming corner. And I thought, “That showed them.” Well, that is until I had to swerve at high speed to narrowly miss the cone they had placed in the lane just moments before. Crafty drunks. Maybe next time I’ll pretend I didn’t see him fall into the street.

6. Politically Correct Girls
They always seem to have some sort of leadership position. They spend their time defending groups of people they have no affiliation with. They are often the ones who spearhead campaigns wherein signs are posted throughout the residences saying, “That’s GAY is NOT okay!” followed by “Think about who you might be offending when you say things like that.” I’m offended by that sign. How dare you suggest that I say such things? While I do say them, it’s not meant to be offensive. Think of it as a plug (no pun intended), I’m advertising for your group. Maybe someone will hear me say, “That’s gay,” and join. You never know. Bottom line is this—go away. No one cares that you think people should be able to live without having their chops busted. Even as an unremarkable white kid, I’m offended daily. It’s called living with it.

This is just a little bit of what I’ve noticed since I’ve arrived at university. Who knows what I’ll observe in the two quarters to come. It might just drive me to continue this little rant.