Now, I bet you’re wondering, why would I string together four seemingly unrelated topics in the 69th official Exreality rant? The answer is simple—to remind everyone that we have range. That is, we can complain about anything, for any length of time, and we’ll never get tired of it. So sit back and enjoy as I give you a shining example of what we do best, in this, our 69th rant.
1. Meth Heads
You know the world is in a complete state of disarray when you can’t even trek into the wilderness without worrying about meth heads stealing and hocking your personal possessions in order to further destroy their dentition. You see, shadow and a friend of mine are mounting an excursion to the North Cascades of Washington state in the name of testing the trucks out off-road. Fortunately there is a brilliant off-road vehicle area just outside of Gold Bar, which is good and well—until you read the warnings about baseball bat wielding meth heads that have been prowling the area, stealing things from unattended vehicles. This is particularly annoying, because if you say, wanted to take a hike in the woods, you can no longer do it free of worry. I think the Romantics were right when they attempted to return to nature in the 18th century—and even more impressive is the fact that they apparently were able to foresee muggings by people roughly as intelligent as Carson Daly, but with far worse grammar and teeth. And I know that’s a hard feat to accomplish, but what can I say? Meth fucks you up.
2. Oprah Winfrey
As we all know, Oprah Winfrey is the wealthiest woman in the world. She has her own daytime television program, as well as her own magazine (on the cover of which she is featured monthly, what an ego trip). Recently, she has spent a lot of time endorsing presidential hopeful Barack Obama. Unfortunately, Oprah has gone and destroyed her credibility—how? By being a celebrity and becoming involved in the political process. Nothing is worse than a celebrity who doesn’t know when to just sit back and let America makes its own decisions. Clearly, celebrities shouldn’t be trying to tell us who to vote for; hell, they can’t even choose proper television/movie roles, let alone behaviors. With that said, I say we nominate Lindsey Lohan’s womanly area as the Democratic primary candidate. I mean, it is a cavernous black hole, much like the space between every other candidate’s ears. But seriously, Oprah needs to sit down and shut up. And by the way, could she have been any more predictable in her choice for endorsement? I would have expected her to side with the women in Hilary Clinton before the blacks in Barack Obama. Feminist wannabe.
3. Phone Awkwardness
The phone is an absolutely evil piece of technology. In my personal life, I avoid the telephone like the plague. Whenever possible, I will resort to text messaging, let my voicemail take a message, or simply talk to those who try to communicate with me in person. Why do I avoid the phone in this fashion? Well, first of all, it’s a logistical clusterfuck. You answer the phone. “Hello?” And then the first thing they ask, “Is this distorted?” How ridiculous. You know what my voice sounds like, and you’ve called a device that I carry on my person at all times. No, this is Bing Crosby, and I’m here to haunt you for an eternity with bad Chrismas music. Jesus Christ. But I can get over that part. It’s when the conversation begins that things start to get awkward. For some reason, both parties try to talk, but by some cruel act of God, they attempt to do so at the same time. So then you both say, ‘Go ahead,’ simultaneously, exacerbating the situation. Finally, when one of you yells over the other, the conversation begins. But then the person you’re talking to will, without fail, stop talking, and as soon as you go to respond, they will CONTINUE TALKING right as you chime in, and this will go on for some time. Then they stop talking, but there is an awkward pause, because you want to be sure that they are finished talking, and you’re caught off guard, so you still have to formulate a response. And the cycle repeats. The other awful issue is the lack of body language. It’s even worse than the lack of tone in a text message. It’s impossible to convey any sort of emotion over the phone, because it always sounds like the opposite of what it actually is. God only knows how I can manage to answer phone calls as a large part of my job. I think being paid to talk on the phone is a good strategy to combat this awkwardness. I wonder if I can con my phone company into paying me for every minute I use.
4. Blatant Misinterpretations of the Law
People are inherently morons when it comes to the law and various interpretations of it. In Washington State, there is a law wherein it is illegal to smoke within 25 feet of any public doorway, window, or air intake. Where the line gets fuzzy is in college residence halls, as the Revised Code of Washington defines college residences halls as neither public nor private buildings. With that said, the posting of signs on doors leading to balconies reading, “It is illegal to smoke within 25 feet of any building in Washington State,” is a complete misinterpretation of the law. Even worse, when I noted below in pencil that, “You have not posted a valid law here, you may consider doing some research on the RCW,” the person who created the sign actually responded, suggesting that I “stop smoking and not argue about useless things.” Well, I don’t smoke, and we all know what happens when you assume. It makes you an insufferable oaf. And how is that a useless argument? Our civil rights and proper interpretations and enforcement of laws aren’t useful?
So how can we bring this all together? Well, I think it’s safe to say that it’s illegal to awkwardly talk to Oprah on the phone while strung out on meth, clearly. Or maybe the law was that it’s illegal to smoke within 25 feet of public doors, windows, and air intakes. I’m not entirely sure, but that’s close enough.
On behalf of the Exreality staff, thank you all for your support through the existence of Exreality. Without you, rants 1-69 wouldn’t exist. We hope to bring you many more rants in the years to come. Be on the lookout for Rantdown 2007 as we move into 2008!
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